Throughout history, writers have tried to boil down the aura of presidential administrations by lavishing them with names. David Halberstam (somewhat sardonically) deemed President John F. Kennedy’s administration “the Best and the Brightest.” Historian Doris Kearns Goodwin noted Abraham Lincoln’s administration comprised a “Team of Rivals.”
So what, then, to call President Donald Trump’s gaggle of nominees during his second term? “A Band of Bootlickers”? A “Squad of Suck-Ups”? A “Coterie of Simps”?
Amid a wave of ridiculous nominations, Patel’s nod to lead the FBI might be the most preposterous.
Trump’s nominee for FBI director, Kash Patel, is evidence that regardless of experience or judgment, a Trump loyalist can simply ride a wave of sycophancy into a cherished slot in the new administration. In the past, top posts were given to accomplished people who used their earned gravitas to work on behalf of the president. Now, unashamed love is the only qualification necessary, leading to a parade of laughingstocks’ being dragged before Congress.
Follow MSNBC’s live blog coverage of Kash Patel’s and Tulsi Gabbard’s confirmation hearings.
Amid a wave of ridiculous nominations, Patel’s nod to lead the FBI might be the most preposterous. Near the end of Trump’s first term, armed only with a singular devotion to Trump, Patel began his ascendance from the ranks of midlevel legal associate to a nomination to lead the nation’s most powerful legal entity. Former Attorney General William Barr wrote in his book that Patel “had virtually no experience that would qualify him to serve at the highest level of the world’s preeminent law enforcement agency,” saying Patel would join the leadership team at the FBI “over my dead body.” (Someone quickly check Barr’s pulse.)
Yet Patel’s loyalty to Trump is unshakable and thus the only thing that matters. Since Trump’s unwilling exit from office in 2021, Patel has made himself the central cast member in virtually every one of the former president’s dramas, from pushing the claim the investigation into whether Russia tried to influence the results of the 2016 presidential election was a “hoax” (it wasn’t) to saying he personally saw Trump declassify documents he took with him to Mar-a-Lago (he didn’t).
Patel is a steadfast supporter of the now-pardoned Jan. 6 rioters, believing the whole incident was provoked by undercover FBI agents (whom he would oversee as the agency’s director). He produced a song featuring the J6 rioters singing “The Star-Spangled Banner,” which Trump frequently played at his rallies, promising to support the rioters’ legal fees with proceeds from the song.
Patel even authored a trilogy of children’s books called “The Plot Against the King,” which explains how “King Donald” had to be saved from the dastardly deeds of “Hillary Queenton,” who believed the king ascended to the throne through subterfuge. Naturally, King Donald is rescued by Kash, the wizard, who is known throughout the kingdom as the “Distinguished Discoverer.” Patel’s books are so explicitly amorous of Trump that they should be sold on newsstands encased in a brown paper wrapper.
Clearly, Kash has a fever, and the only prescription is more Donald. But Patel’s unbridled bootlicking isn’t just a harmless personality quirk; it could significantly affect how he manages the most powerful law enforcement department on the planet.
For one, Patel has frequently been dishonest about his past government roles; he claims to have been the lead prosecutor against individuals who attacked a U.S. compound in Benghazi, Libya, in 2012, but in fact, he wasn’t even part of the team that conducted those prosecutions.
Clearly, Kash has a fever, and the only prescription is more Donald.
But even worse is Patel’s suggestion he will use the FBI to prosecute those on his “enemies list,” comprised of all manners of individuals who were mean to Donald Trump. In his book 2023, “Government Gangsters,” Patel lists 60 people he calls “Members of the Executive Branch Deep State,” a sizable chunk of whom Trump himself appointed during his first term. Among those on the list include Kamala Harris, Joe Biden, Hillary Clinton, William Barr, Merrick Garland, Alyssa Farah (“The View” co-host and former Trump communications staffer), Sarah Isgur Flores (former Justice Department communications director) and Cassidy Hutchinson (former aide to onetime Trump chief of staff Mark Meadows). Patel has said he regrets leaving off people like now-U.S. Sen. Adam Schiff, D-Calif., and Republican former House Speaker Paul Ryan, as well as the “entire fake news mafia press corps.”
So while Trump spent much of his campaign complaining about so-called political prosecutions, his aspiring FBI director may very well engage in just those types of investigations. Further, Patel has indicated he will use the power of the American legal system to mandate his level of sycophancy throughout the government. He won’t stop until the federal government is an orgy of obeisance to Donald Trump. “We’ve got to put in all-American patriots top to bottom,” Patel told Steve Bannon on his podcast. He added that the Justice Department under Trump “will go out and find the conspirators, not just in government but in the media.” Perhaps Patel will have the last laugh in all this, as he has tried to monetize his rise in name identification since his Trump embrace. He can be found selling “the official K$h wine!” and “JUSTICE FOR ALL #J6PC” T-shirts and Kash Krew golf shirts, all once available at his website. He can be found on Trump’s Truth Social website pushing drugs that claim to “reverse” the effects of the Covid-19 vaccines. So maybe in his world, he sees Trump as the mark. But the most likely scenario is one we have seen over and over; as soon as any Trump appointee with a modicum of character breaks with the president, Trump will trash them (often in racist ways), tarnishing their name to MAGA world. Perhaps if Kamala Harris remains free from prison, this is the life of disrepute that awaits Patel. But if it is, he can look at the bright side; there are undoubtedly still dozens of crates of K$h Wine available to help him dull the pain.
Christian Schneider
Christian Schneider writes the Anti-Knowledge newsletter. He is a co-host of the podcast "Wasn't That Special: 50 Years of SNL." 
